Celebrity slag

LINDZ: SCRATCH 'N' SNIFF

2006-03-02T18:30:00.000+01:00

AS you can tell, we're as busy as Madge's purple knickers are trying to keep her aging piss-flaps tucked in while she's attempting the splits. And so we just can't update the blog for a while.

Still, doesn't mean we don't love you- so we're going to direct you to the following top-reads:-

On Lindsay Lohan flashing her boob this week: " the Dalmatian was at the 10th annual GM Fashion Show but her bra wasn't. Just three years ago, if most guys saw this picture, the day would have ended and their penis would have grip marks on it like the handlebars on a ten year olds bike, but now she's so bony and freckled, that last picture is almost more trouble than it's worth. You try to focus on her boob but everything else is just so distracting. Like trying to bang a hooker in the car while a cop is tapping on the window with a flashlight. Dude, can you give me 5 minutes, I already paid. " Quality- http://www.wwtdd.com/

On Penelope Cruz & Salma Hayek's new film: "The only thing hotter than two hot Latin chicks with guns and sexy accents, is two hot Latin chicks with guns who have lesbian sex. At my house. I pitched a screenplay like this at Sundance one year and it was wildly successful. Except by Sundance I mean my girlfriend, and by wildly successful, I mean I slept on the couch for 2 months." http://www.fatbackandcollards.com/

On Posh Spice doing her own housework: "I'd like to know what she constitutes as housework? Because brushing your own teeth and cleaning your own butt is not really housework. In her messed up mind she probably thinks those kind of things are accomplishments if you do them yourself.She said: "The truth is I see myself like one of the characters from the series 'Desperate Housewives' - the one who has the most kids.
"All day with the kids. Up and down, trying to cook and clean."
Ok, does cooking and cleaning have a different meaning in England? Does it mean shopping and pill-popping?" http://www.dlisted.blogspot.com/

And for as many celeb photos as you'll ever need, my lovelies- check here:-

http://www.justjared.com/

And, if you really miss us- drop us an email to celebslag@gmail.com and we'll drop you a line when we're back & updating every day . Which'll be really soon- honest!

Much love,

CS xxxx

CLOONEY: TELLS KID WHERE TO SHOVE BAGUETTE

2006-02-17T14:51:00.000+01:00

OF course as part of one of his new films. Nowt shady going on here.

HOLMES: NICE RACK

2006-02-17T14:16:00.000+01:00

OH NO! We're perving on a pregnant woman- and not just any pregnant woman- one inseminated by the Church of Scientology...

Anyway, Katie does look good here apart from having the poison dwarf hanging off her - laughing away at a memorial service.

Tom's hair always looks he's fresh from the clasp of some man's hands being cupped around his head as he gobbles them off. Well, he is only five foot after all- while you're down there, love...

TOM & KATIE: SO IN LOVE...

2006-02-17T14:07:00.000+01:00

EITHER she's got a nasty case of piles or the rectangular pillow she has up her top is hurting, cause Katie's smile looks mighty forced. Here they are "down under" (yes, somewhere they've never been with each other before) yesterday.

They are there to celebrate the untimely demise of Antipodean Media magnate Kerry Packer.

MADGE: DROPS OFF AT BRIT AWARDS

2006-02-17T01:17:00.000+01:00

EITHER she's bored herself to sleep- or she's just old and taking an impromtu nap.

*Or she's on skag and has simply gouged out- Pete Doherty-style.

*It's probably not due to this.

BOLLOX: COLDPLAY HAVEN'T QUIT MUSIC

2006-02-17T00:49:00.000+01:00

Oh nuts. Fishstick's husband will continue churning out music to top yerself to, despite what you may have read this morning. On their website they make the following hilarious statement:

Shocking news in the papers this morning. Apparently, the band are splitting up. Nobody was more shocked than the band themselves. Imagine how foolish they felt when none of them read the papers and they all came into work like normal. You'd have thought someone would have shown them the common courtesy of letting them know...

Ok then we will let them know: STOP MAKING MUSIC YOU BUNCH OF DULL FUCKS! - GO AND TEACH GEOGRAPHY OR SOMETHING MORE EXCITING THAN WHAT YOU ARE DOING NOW.

BRAD PITT: COVERED IN DOG POO

2006-02-16T19:29:00.000+01:00

AW look at little Maddox there- he is cute as fuck. WE want one!- how much was he? Maddox rocks- he has the best accessories- Brad Pitt for one and Angelina Jolie for two. Poor ole' Brad seems to have forgotten that he is in France, which is a place primarily famous for being covered in dog poo as he gets down on his knees in the park & plays remote control cars yesterday arvo in a park near their new rented gaff in Paree. So to update our stink-watch- he's just got worse, 'still wearing the same clothes and cap- but they are now covered in dog shit. Pooh la la!

WIERDEST COUPLE EVER: OVER ALREADY?

2006-02-14T22:31:00.000+01:00

BUT, but, BUTT- it was such a natural pairing! and didn't turn our stomachs at all!

BUTT yes, they are going their separate ways- prolly 'cause his publicist finally advised him to stop the madness!

Life & Style in the states says:

Life & Style has learned exclusively that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have agreed to call off their wedding — and, ultimately, to split.Multiple insiders confirmed the story to Life & Style, with one longtime friend of Tom’s saying: “Their relationship is basically over.” Another friend adds: “They both agreed that the marriage wouldn’t work and they wanted to end it before they learned to hate each other.”The insiders say that Tom, 43, and Katie, 27, plan to keep up the charade of a romance until after their baby’s birth this spring. In the meantime, the couple will live in his Beverly Hills home — though sleeping in separate bedrooms — through the summer. Then, presumably, they’ll announce a separation — but Tom plans to buy Katie a home nearby so he can visit his child whenever he wishes.“They’ll share custody,” says the friend, who claims the couple are drawing up a legal document to provide for Katie’s and the baby’s financial well-being for life. “Tom will set up Katie and the baby,” adds the pal.

Well, thank fuck for that. Maybe Tom'll move to Bahrain with Wacko Jacko and we'll never have to see him again!

We ripped this story straight from D listed which if you don't already you should read, cause Michael is much funnier and far less of a lazy poster than we are!

http://www.dlisted.blogspot.com/
Enjoy!

LOHAN: UP CLOSE WITH THE TOO-TIGHT PAIR OF JIMMY CHOOS

2006-02-14T19:44:00.000+01:00

OW, knarly-cocked bigfoot, JARED LETO certainly has been doing some damage to La Lohan. We read last week how sex with him hurts & she likens it to 'squeezing into a pair of brand new too-tight Jimmy Choos'. And now these have photos surfaced of her, er, chapped lips. Use vaseline Lindsay- at both ends and mebbe a bit of KY... And, perhaps a vat of. ..Ah fack it, we're stopping here. It's just that she's wasting the Jared Leto opportunity.

FISHSTICKS PALTROW: "I WANNA SUCKLE MADGE'S DRIED-UP TEATS"

2006-02-14T14:55:00.000+01:00

... YES it's gross and no she doesn't want to really. After all, we doubt the woman who got dumped by Brad Pitt for refusing to suck his dick would really be after hot lesbo action with anyone, but especially not with a menopausal harridan like Madge, as, we doubt even the most desperate, fat & old fully signed-up lesbian would be convinced to go there. So what was fishsticks going on about? When asked by People magazine what she thought of Madonna's assets, pregnant star Whingetrow said:

“They are fantastic, by the way.”

The boring old cow is obviously trying to be seen as, well, less boring- but getting it badly wrong.

Fishsticks has also revealed that she would lie in the missionary position silently for a minute and a half with Radiohead drummer Phil Selway- given half a chance by dullard hubby Fishstick Martin from British band- Cold Music for Suicidals. Gwyneth, who was speaking on Los Angeles radio station 103.1 – said if she ever got a “free pass” to indulge a crush, “it would be with someone like Phil Selway, my musical hero”.

She added: “I admire him so much.”

WHO?

- We aren't going to detail who we would like to see doing what to Fishsticks, but rest assured it involves car bonnets, arseholes and 'someone' ending up covered in piss.

BECKS TO POSH: "GET ON YER BIKE"

2006-02-10T15:38:00.000+01:00

... WE don't think this is quite what he meant, though.

But here she is, looking quite good and not even that anorexic, in the Russian version of GQ. Bet she had to take her usual vile extensions - made from Russian women's actual hair that they've had to sell 'cause they're so skint - out so's not to offend their readers.

STEFANI: "WHILE YOU'RE DOWN THERE, LOVE"

2006-02-10T13:29:00.000+01:00

SHITNEY: LOOKS LOVELY

2006-02-10T11:39:00.000+01:00

... No really, she really looks great at the Grammys this week. The eyes pointing in slightly different directions- giving her an almost retarded look, the double chin, the un-dyed roots- what's not to like?

LOCKLEAR: EMAIL RUINED MARRIAGE

2006-02-09T22:28:00.000+01:00

FORGET heroin kids, email really screws you up. Ask Heather Locklear one-time star of Melrose Place who, says PEOPLE mag found a dodgy email from a rank old tart to her hubby which finished her marriage to Richie Sambora once and for all.

"Locklear found the e-mail, which contained 'provocative pictures' of the female, a close friend of the pair tells PEOPLE. Though the woman had long been 'a sore subject,' says the source, Locklear never thought she and Sambora had actually been 'romantic.' Whatever conclusions Locklear has now drawn from the photos, they were, her friend believes, the deciding factor. 'She's devastated,' says the friend. 'Absolutely devastated.'

How could anyone be so fucking stupid? You'd have to have the IQ of a donkey to allow an email to fuck you up so badly that it causes your marriage to collapse. Ouch- that's gonna cost him. Delete and double delete peeps- you never know who's going to end up reading your deranged ramblings.

MENOPAUSAL MUFFIN: 'SORRY'

2006-02-09T13:12:00.000+01:00

YES she continues to inflict her leotard-covered snatch on us- (which thankfully right is airbrushed neatly away) in her new video SORRY. In her last video she sang "time goes by so slowly" [for those who have a good cosmetic surgeon] and now in this vid- those words ring true & time really does go slowly as you just want it all to be over.

Here's the link to the vid- but if you're squeamish, basically she drives around town in a van & drags males in off the streets, waves her snatch in their faces and says: "I will not let you go until you tell me that I am still desirable and young-looking" cut to much eye-covering as she then rollerskates and breakdances and you fret that a lady of her age's osteoporosis will surely kick in at any second and her bones will splinter into a million teeny bits. (Look what happened when she was horse-riding on her birthday).

http://ocko.idnes.cz/multimedia.asp?r=oc_klipy&c=A060207_170317_oc_klipy_kot&m=v

Watch her performing with the Gorillaz at the Grammys yesterday & catch up on any other goss here:-

http://music.yahoo.com/promo-25023071#

WHO KNEW THEY KISSED?

2006-02-09T12:04:00.000+01:00

WELL they do- in a supermarket in Paris last Sunday. We're starting a Brad stink-watch.- He has been wearing that baseball cap and the same shoes and coat for two weeks now.

MOSS IN MIAMI: DOESN'T SWEAT MUCH FOR A FAT LASS

2006-02-08T14:11:00.000+01:00

YOU just know we're going to call her fat and grannyish when she's not airbrushed, - so you decide for yourselves...

TOM CRUISE: SENDS VALENTINE TO KATIE

2006-02-08T13:52:00.000+01:00

Love his built-up shoes...

CZJ: TAKES CARE OF HER GRANDAD

2006-02-07T15:07:00.000+01:00

... On holiday in St.Barts this week. How touching.

MOST BELIEVABLE MADE-UP BRANGELINA STORY OF THE WEEK

2006-02-07T14:59:00.000+01:00

HA HA HA... Brad and Ange are hooked on crap UK soap Emmerdale. Problem is, no-one else is. And guess what? they even talk to each other in Northern British accents... 'course they do.

For more nonsense worthy of adult comic VIZ check here:- http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2006060229,00.html

STEFANI: ROCKS THE PREGNANT LOOK

2006-02-07T14:53:00.000+01:00

LORD a lorks, even with all-day sickness and the tiredness that pregnancy brings, Gwen Stefani still is a super-hot female.

We must be going soft- 'can't wait to see the baby!

WHO KNEW SEAN PRESTON FEDERLINE COULD DRIVE?

2006-02-07T14:43:00.000+01:00

THE babies in Louisiana are so advanced! Plus the roads must be so much safer that babies don't need car seats- yay!

BRAD: POISONS ZAHARA WITH HIS B.O.

2006-02-06T20:55:00.000+01:00

BUT after a bollocking from his master- he pulls his arm back in. "There" says Ange to lil Z, "that's better" and kisses her on the bonce.

As the song goes 'when you're in love with a beautiful woman it's hard' and we bet poor Brad's positively tenting every time he even looks Ange's way. This pic is from when the family went to the indoor playground in the Kreuzberger in Berlin on Saturday... Meanwhile- not that they give a flying fuck, the Aniston bitching rages on back in the States. The NY post says: JENNIFER Aniston was putting it lightly when she told the world last year that her ex, Brad Pitt, is "missing a sensitivity chip." One friend of Aniston's told us: "Brad made it seem to the world that he wanted kids and Jen didn't. That is a lie. They were trying for kids almost until the end." To make matters worse, when Angelina Jolie and Pitt decided to announce their pregnancy, Aniston found out a day before the media because someone in the office of Pitt's p.r. woman, Cindy Guagenti, called and told her. "Brad wasn't going to bother telling her at all. He didn't see why he had to. One of their mutual friends intervened and insisted, so he made his publicist do it. Nice, huh?" The pal says of Jolie: "Angelina probably has no idea what Brad is really like. She'll find out eventually." Aniston's rep de clined to comment, while Guagenti said: "I didn't call Jennifer."

Oh, who cares, with Vince Vaughn's huge cock to ride around on- Aniston's probably happy enough without Pitt. Is it too much to ask that the public move on and just , well, like Ange and Jen? *It's ok to play for both sides- really. *Insert George Clooney joke here

MADGE: CHILD FRIGHTENER

2006-02-06T12:30:00.000+01:00

WE just threw up in our mouths a little bit. Memo to THE SUN: WE do not want to see Madge's menopausal muffin when we are munching on our muesli in the mornings. Or ever really. Can't there be a morning watershed for this kind of shit?

And her and Guy are definately done. Despite what Madge 'I refuse to put my vag away ever' Ciccone's lawyers are making the papers tell you. Them tabs are so pussywhipped- just like Guy really!

KYLIE'S SIS: LEZZES OFF WITH STRIPPER

2006-02-05T17:31:00.000+01:00

BUGGER us with a sharp stick sideways- we never knew Dannii Minogue was up for a bit of a laugh. But she was caught on film getting jiggy with a stripper in a strip joint- funnily enough- in London recently.

Here's what the NOTW says:

"POP idol Dannii Minogue has been caught on camera in a lesbian romp with a naked lapdancer at a London club.
The CCTV security at the Puss In Boots nightspot recorded every second as superstar Kylie's little sister broke strict NO TOUCHING rules to writhe in lust while the busty blonde stripper pleasured her.

Another astonished punter told us: "Dannii was having the time of her life and didn't care who saw. She wasn't in a private booth or the VIP area, she was on the dance floor.

"I can't believe how far they went. It was more like a porn film. There were hands and tongues everywhere-I thought it was going to turn into a full-on orgy."

The gob-smacking video footage obtained by the News of the World clearly shows 34-year-old Dannii:
RELISHING simulated sex romps with dancer Jupiter,
SNOGGING with her passionately,
THRUSTING her face into her boobs and
FONDLING the performer's curves. "

WE couldn't be arsed to buy the paper to read the rest of the story- but they gave us enough online to get the general idea. Good girl. Put the CCTV footage online!- she'd make much more with that than from any of the pop records she's ever put out.

JUSSSSSCHTIN TIMBERLAKE: BEER GOGGLES

2006-02-05T17:20:00.000+01:00

SOMETIMES, dealing with Cameron's acne & hissy fits and then having to shag her, leaves a man needing a drink or twelve. But in this pic, taken last week, the former mouseketeer is just celebrating his 25th birthday at Las Vegas club 'Pure'.

What's the attraction with Timberlake?- we've seen better- looking Big Issue sellers.

RICHie KID: FROM CUTE TO PUKE

2006-02-05T13:08:00.000+01:00

SHOWN on the left here is the Hilton slut acting that just that bit more animated than she is usually when in the sack with Greek shipping heirs. Next to her lies ex best pal Nicole Richie- who you know would have once been a tigress in the sack- looking much more hitable than she does now on the right where's she's rocking the skeleton- in- a- nappy look.

BOY GEORGE PROMOTES EMINEM'S NEW CD...

2006-02-05T12:48:00.000+01:00

...HANG ON, no, it's actually Eminem- he's just looking more like Boy George and wearing more make-up than even Boy George himself is these days... And the real Boy George looks jollier in this pic right even after taking the red-eye from NYC to Heathrow fresh from being embroiled in some nasty cocaine bust.

Is going to rehab actually good for you? - Whether or not it is, it looks like Em's one handed out botox with his meds in the morning. S'just not got the same kick as vicodin though has it?

LOHAN ON LETO'S COCK: "OOH IT KNARLS"

2006-02-04T23:06:00.000+01:00

WELL we always hoped but we never knew until now that Jared Leto has a massive cock. So big, that Lindz has complained in a private diary that has been stolen and leaked, that sex with him is like trying to squeeze into a too-tight pair of new Jimmy Choos. Now that's gotta hurt. [ Is Lohan's snatch like a pair of tight Jimmy Choos? or does it just smell leathery?] She's not even sure if she wants to be with him anymore it's such a problem. How do we know this? Well Lohan has been keeping a journal/ lyric book and jotting down random thoughts as, well, a lot of teenagers do. Last Sunday, after shooting Chapter 27 with ole' bigfoot- who co-stars, Lindz dropped into the Matsuri Ballroom in NYC and slipped upstairs for the Cabanas' Sunday night party for a few whiskeys and to ponder the whole Jared situation. Did she still want him? and so on. After jotting her thoughts down, she left the diary on the table and came back to find that it had been stolen. Doh! She's finally got it back, but with a few pages ripped out.

Other jottings on this day?- LiLo mentions she has a “bloody” bad cough she can’t get rid of. - This un-American use of the word 'bloody' stems from hanging with Blighty's own Kate Moss too much - who Jared might find having sex with a "bloody" bit like trying on a pair of giant knee-length fisherman's wellington boots in comparison to Lindz.

She also writes that she and her mother got tats that day: a heart on Lindsay’s hand and a star for mom’s wrist– apparently matching LiLo’s existing star tattoo.

But no more on what Leto's like in bed- is he a G or a T? - we'll never know, how "bloody" disapointing.

Ah well, for this and more exciting LiLo revelations- head over to the Velvet rope who claim to know more, because the diary tea leaf called them & left details of the missing pages on his voicemail... http://velvetropewhore.wordpress.com/2006/02/02/i-shit-you-not/

PAMMIE: ROCKS THE 'MONO-BOOB' LOOK...

2006-02-03T12:51:00.000+01:00

... WHEN two become one

KATE: AS EVERYONE'S SEEN HER

2006-02-03T12:45:00.000+01:00

IN this month's Vogue. You can almost hear her sayng to the packed room of assistants, runners and flunkies on the shoot: "Alright then, who fackin' wants some then?"- before offering her snatch up to whoever fancies a go on it, just as she handed out lines of coke to those that were game in that recording studio- she's a generous lass is our Kate. Doherty's doubtless cracking several off to a copy of this as he sits out his two weeks on remand in prison - coping with the savagely unwelcome return of the sex drive that cold turkey induces. [We read on the internet]

CHAV SPICE: FEEDS HER PONY

2006-02-03T12:38:00.000+01:00

...Whilst wearing a Burberry jacket in 'Stureplan' magazine. Hardly surprising that Skeletor is resorting to a spot of DIY here- we doubt that Dave's been down there for years.

NAOMI DOES STOCKHOLM

2006-01-31T16:43:00.000+01:00

NO, not like every man and woman in Stockholm- just one, as far as we know- Prince Rachid of Dubai- whom she stayed with in 'The Grand Hotel' last week. The pair were spotted snogging at 'Club Nox' after eating [food] at the 'Riche restaurant' last Thursday.

On Wednesday the pait were spotted at 'The Plaza Club'- in the VIP section.

The assistant- slapping Supermodel has now left Stockholm.

KYLIE'S BITCH DOES THE U.S.

2006-01-30T09:33:00.000+01:00

KYLIE MINOGUE'S boyfriend- some grumpy wanker called Olivier- is shown here lounging around over the weekend in Santa Monica. Kylie- as far as we know, is still with her family in Melbourne relaxing and recouperating. And, we hope, she hooks up with a nice local guy and finally jettisons the laughably self-monikered 'French Brad Pitt' - which would see him removed from the public eye for good.

JACKSON: ICH HABE SIE DURCHFALL

2006-01-30T09:18:00.000+01:00

WACKO JACKO is shown here yesterday staying at the Hamburg home of a 23 year old male that he met in 1995- when the boy was aged just 12. Wacko, 47, was staying there with two of his "children"- Prince, 8, and Paris, 7. A scrawled sheet of paper was briefly held up in the window of the house in the direction of fans, saying, 'I'm proud to be back in Hamburg. You make me so happy. I love you. Michael.' No reports of Michael wandering the streets of Germany dressed as a Muslim woman- one of his latest penchants- have surfaced yet, but no doubt they will.

HAYDEN WEARS SIENNA'S KNICKERS

2006-01-30T09:07:00.000+01:00

WELL, he seems to have her jeans on anyway. In these rather stalkerazzi-ish snaps- no doubt set up by publicity-hungry Miller- we get to see Jedi Knight rider Hayden coming back from the shops with bags full of strap-ons ready for his darth invader Sienna to punish him with.

SIMPSON: SMELLS LIKE LEVINE SPIRIT

2006-01-27T20:06:00.000+01:00

HERE'S Jess leaving the Chateau Marmont on the morning of the 25th Jan after- according to THE NEW YORK POST - spending the night with Marroon 5 singer Adam Levine who lives there.

Bless, she doesn't look bad for someone doing the walk of shame.

Also from today's NYP is a snippet which sounds like it's fresh from the mouth of Sienna Miller's publicist- but hey:- Jude Law - who broke up with molten-hot Sienna Miller last week - has been spotted around the Marmont making time with a stripper he met at the nearby Body Shop, the Sunset Strip mammary mecca famously name-checked in Motley Crue's "Girls, Girls, Girls." But our spy sniffs that Law's latest squeeze is a far cry from the beautiful Miller: "He's been going to the Body Shop strip club every night and hanging out with this nasty young brunette - she is really beat looking." Oh and Sienna ISN'T?

DiCAPRIO: GOES INTO BAR

2006-01-27T17:16:00.000+01:00

... NOT yer average bar either. He's poking a model called Bar. BECAUSE he can, sluts, because he can... this 20 year old beauty hails from Israel and is named Bar Refaeli and Leonardo is propping her up- or somesuch other lame joke- according to MTV Italia.

PITT: BORED BY ECONOMIC FORUMS

2006-01-27T01:39:00.000+01:00

PITT: "HER WATERS NEARLY BROKE IN MY EYE LAST NIGHT"

2006-01-26T23:37:00.000+01:00

JOLIE: "OH please! - he mentioned Lucy Liu during oral sex!"

SWITZERLAND: BRAD WHO?

2006-01-26T19:05:00.000+01:00

POOR old Brad, a bit of Grecian 2000 and he's wearing a 'name tag' at the economic forum in Davos - along with the rest of the great unwashed. Or maybe Angie made him wear it- so she doesnt forget who he is and why he's trailing her- puppy like- across the globe. Look- she's already wandered off in the other direction without him- looking for hot swizz lez action, no doubt.

REEFER SUTHERLAND: BACK ON THE LASH

2006-01-26T18:31:00.000+01:00

OUR favourite Hollywood bad-boy is back on top-form;- FROM The New York Post:

"24" STAR Kiefer Sutherland shocked staffers at the Ye Rustic Inn in Los Feliz, Calif., the other morning when he bellied up to the bar around 9 a.m. demanding to start a tab, reports Steppin' Out magazine. Editor Chaunce Hayden says the normally thick-waisted Sutherland looked "rail-thin" when he entered the tiny dive bar with a group of rowdy pals and ordered a round of drinks. According to witnesses, when presented with the bill, Sutherland claimed his wallet was "indisposed" - "It's been stolen! I promise I'll come back and pay." At that point, things got weird. "He started to go into a series of karate kicks in the middle of the floor while the bartender, waitress and several customers looked on," Hayden reports. Thankfully, a star-struck fan agreed to buy him several J&B's on the rocks. After devouring a plate of chicken wings and littering the floor with bones, the star left without tipping. Sutherland, it turns out, was winding down from a very long night at the Drawing Room across the street. A rep for Sutherland did not respond to a call for comment.

MADGE: HAVE YOU SEEN MY STAPLER?

2006-01-26T00:45:00.000+01:00

HERE'S the fucking old menopausal harridan at the Jean Paul Gaultier show at Paris fashion week yesterday. Chaos ensued when she clocked a snapper and wondered; had she remembered to staple her face back before the show? She went white with fear and even asked Joaquin Cortes if he'd seen her stapler, when the forgetful old bint had just left it in her handbag with her incontince pads all along. Drama over. But what she really should have been asking is 'shouldn't I be at *Versace?'

*The official old women's designer

BRANGELINA: REALLY DOING IT!!!

2006-01-26T00:30:00.000+01:00

YOU know it's love when she loves you even when you've over-done the Grecian 2000 and he loves you when you're wearing an old grey trackie and toting last season's LV bag.

AW, you just know they're gonna do it in the bogs on the plane. Or does that say more about us than it does them? (They're off to save the world in Davos, Switzerland- having left the kids at Claridges in London yesterday) . God, 'hope they haven't just abandoned them... "Yeah order room service, we'll be right back..."

SIENNA TO HAYDEN: HOW SOBER DO YOU THINK YOU CAN STAY?

2006-01-26T00:26:00.000+01:00

HAYDEN: NOT VERY! ... Yes, it's an old trick, but one that works well. Sienna has got her claws into Hayden utilising the power of...beer goggles!

PITT: BORED BY MADGE, GUY & FAT TONGUE

2006-01-25T21:10:00.000+01:00

Brad Pitt had dinner at Italian restaurant Locanda Locatelli (Seymour Street, W1H 7JZ) in London last night with Madge, Guy and fat-tongued Jamie Oliver. AJ rested up at Claridges with the kids. By the look on Brad's face as he left, Madge had either just done her famous giving a blow-job to a wine bottle party trick or bored him to death about religion & how bitchy Elton John is, or he'd just not been able to understand a word of what the mockney -accented trio were going on about. Innit?

MILLER: DITCHES JUDE FOR YOUNGER HOTTER ACTOR

2006-01-25T16:37:00.000+01:00

Hmmmmm, well, we guess you all heard that someone was pictured leaving an abortion clinic in the US the week before last, a few days after JUDE LAW left the Louisiana set of Factory Girl four days earlier than scheduled.

We also hear that Sienna is currently getting her butt-plugged by co-star and Jedi Knight rider Hayden Christensen.

But the funniest thing we've read by far lately on the Jude & Sienna saga is the Mosster's bitching about Sienna last weekend during her birthday party at The Paris Ritz, according to The Daily Mirror:

"Kate was tucked into a corner with a gaggle of model pals, including red-head Lily Cole," says our fashionista snitch.

"Kate was sipping vodka and Diet Coke, and when Jude and Sienna's break-up came up, she threw back her head and laughed.

"Some of her pals made catty remarks about how Sienna had been on covers without being a model or even a successful actress." Our source says: "Kate said to her friends that 'Sienna's not a professional model - she shouldn't be on the cover of magazines'."

Referring to Sienna's American Vogue appearance, Kate snarled: "That was supposed to be me."

Our source goes on: "She also said how she thought Sienna's stab at celebrity has failed. Kate said: 'Sienna has blown it now - she's had her last chance. But she was never one of us anyhow.'" Meow... The pair had once moved in similar circles, [being fucked by Jude in other words] though they were never close. [Never lezzed off]

Another one of Kate's model pals added: "Sienna was always hanging on Jude's coat-tails. It's a good thing he dumped her."

Indeed. In fact, although Sienna's probably tooo stupid to realise that Hayden's a suspected gayer, we're not too shocked to learn that he's taken a temporary liking to the ever increasingly man-like Miller. With the lights off he could always pretend it's Jude who's blowing him.

LOLLYPOP SPICE DOES PARIS

2006-01-25T14:30:00.000+01:00

VICTORIA BECKHAM has actually lost even more weight- were that possible. Here she is yesterday hitting the Chanel show during Paris fashion week. She probably made the models on the runway paranoid that they're fat. It's not surprising she's such a fan of couture- she can't buy off the peg clothes to fit anymore- but Jesus Christ don't her and David have enough money for her to consult a decent shrink?

CHRIS PENN: BROWN BREAD

2006-01-25T14:16:00.000+01:00

POOR old Chris Penn died yesterday aged just (you can tell we're getting old ourselves here) 43 years old.

The RESEVOIR DOGS star and (we hate to say it, 'cause it no doubt contributed to his demise) brother of SEAN PENN was found in his condo in Santa Monica and there were no suspicious circumstances.

Chris famously lived on a diet of crack, ho's and cheeseburgers and, whilst the cause of death hasn't yet been ascertained, probably croaked of a heart-attack.

ANGE: STRETCHES TUMMY TAT

2006-01-25T14:04:00.000+01:00

... MAYBE it'll come in handy for disguising her stretchmarks?

For non-latin readers the ancient tattoo says : "What nourishes me also destroys me" ... no longer relevant really- doesn't Brad's gizz contain oodles of vitamin C?- ingesting semen doesn't destroy you- well that's what they taught the girls (and certain boys) in the home economics class in our school anyway.

HOLMES: REACTS TO LATEST NEGATIVE PRESS

2006-01-24T14:41:00.000+01:00

WE know that the Scientologists don't really know anything about breeders, so it doesn't shock us that they forgot to tell her that actually pregnant women go completely off coffee in the late stages of pregnancy. The caffeine freaks the foetus out to the point where it kicks the Mum-to-be's ribs to shit and puts them in a potential Fergie Black Eyed Pea knicker- wetting situation as it presses unbearably down Mummy's already pressurised bladder.

GIZZDERLINE: POOR HYGIENE UPSETS DAUGHTER

2006-01-24T14:33:00.000+01:00

POOR Kori: We'd cry if stinky Kev was holding us that close too.

BRANGELINA: ON THE MOVE

2006-01-24T14:27:00.000+01:00

WE like it when kids dress up as rabbits- Zahara's rocking the bunny look well. Mad is sporting a pretty cool new do; take notes- Brooklyn Beckham.

DREW BARRYMORE: COTTAGING SHAME

2006-01-23T21:44:00.000+01:00

The New York Post says that Drew's boyfriend & Strokes drummer Fabrizio Moretti was asked by Jane magazine to name the craziest place he'd ever had sex, and Moretti answered:

"At the opera, a little while ago, in New York. We went to 'La Boheme' and it was wicked boring. So we decided to go to the bathroom, and we got caught, and it was embarrassing. If we'd gone to the men's room, people would've heard it and said, 'Good on you, man.' But we were in the ladies' room, and when we heard an old woman start to tinkle, we couldn't help but crack up. I guess she told the security guy - he came in and was, like, 'Just go.'"

Ha ha ha- we love Drew even more now. What they should have done was attempted to do it in the opera whilst still in their seats- maybe under a coat or something.

DREW MAKES TIT OF HERSELF

2006-01-23T18:52:00.000+01:00

AW bless little vodka swilling wonky-gobbed Drew Barrymore - who is happy to have a good ole' laugh at herself. On Saturday Drew dropped by Saturday Night Live's (SNL) Weekend Update with Tiny Fey and Amy Poehler this past weekend. Tiny Fey introduced the mini-sketch with, "All of Hollywood's most famous stars were on hand for the [Golden Globes] cermony including Drew Barrymore who arrived with two Golden Globes of her own."

CANESTEN DOES SUNDANCE- JOLIE DOES LA

2006-01-23T18:04:00.000+01:00

JENNIFER CANESTEN was in Utah this weekend promoting some crappy future box office flop. Meanwhile the impossibly hot lipgloss - wearing Angelina drove Brad's child around LA in a 4x4- the latest is that not only is she having twin mini-Brads, she's having them in April.

Daytime telly viewers and other fans of mediocre sitcoms with obvious jokes will be pleased to learn that Friends is coming back to tv! Yes, all six actors agreed to huge paychecks to do four one hour specials- after realising that glittering careers on the silver screen were not beckoning them, in fact just plain old obscurity was on the cards.

SHITNEY ARRESTED FOR CRIMES AGAINST FASHION

2006-01-23T16:21:00.000+01:00

NOT really- her £200,000 Ferarri broke down yesterday and she had to hitch a lift home with the local sheriff.- After she'd got the paps who'd been trailing her to push her car off the road- whilst she and her brother Bryan sat in the car. Brit Brit probably just forgot to put petrol in the car. Here's Brit's favourite blonde joke, in case you haven't seen it yet... 'Hope you aren't a blonde, 'cause this is the funniest blonde joke ever.

THE HOLMES BUMPWATCH CONTINUES

2006-01-23T15:51:00.000+01:00

AS you all know, gay Tom Cruise didn't really inseminate Katie Holmes- the whole thing was just a massively misguided publicity stunt, badly designed to resurect their stalling careers.

But let the photographic evidence of Katie's lack of fake bump continuity speak for itself on this link - which has been ripped straight from Trent over at PITNB. http://www.boomspeed.com/allhailme/012106_katiebumptimelineBG.jpg

HILTON SLUT: LEAKY TWAT

2006-01-19T18:44:00.000+01:00

OUR favourite amateur porn star ought to actually excercise those piss flaps once in a while as they recently leaked- all over a Hawaiian taxi driver's cab.

HARDEN JAMISON tells American tabloid National Enquirer the hotel heiress and SIMPLE LIFE star was too drunk to notice she'd wet herself when he picked her and boyfriend STAVROS NIARCHOS up after a party on Maui.

The disgusted cab driver claims he mopped up the mess with a towel and plans to use Hilton's own DNA as evidence against her. Jamison has gone public with his story after getting threatened by Hilton's heavies, who hitched a ride in his cab, after making it known that he has a towel drenched with the socialite's urine.
He says, "They were all drunk and abusive. I kicked them out and flagged down a cop."
The cab driver claims one of Hilton's pals offered him $200 (£111) for the towel.

Jesus Christ- paying £111 for a piss-soaked towel? we bet Jodie Marsh's book publishers know exactly how that feels.

http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/entertainment/129182004.htm

CLOONEY & SNATCHER: BUMPING UGLIES?

2006-01-19T14:49:00.000+01:00

REMEMBER when dear old George Michael got outed? Wasn't that when his music career ended as bored housewives could no longer bear to flick their beans to his image?

ON a totally unrelated note- George Clooney has just been linked romantically with Desperate Housewife Teri Snatcher. George made the above face when asked about it and said: 'It's a good rumour'. Snatcher lied : 'If I went on a date with George Clooney, I would not be talking about it' and George added: 'She's my neighbour though, and she's beautiful.' Before rushing off and throwing up violently off-camera.

BRAD GETS HIGH AGAIN...

2006-01-19T13:58:00.000+01:00

...IN the sky that is. Aha hahahahahah oh.

Anyway, here he is at Santa Monica airport yesterday. Why is he bothering to learn to fly when Ange already has her private pilot's licence?

Surely it's not like they'll have to share the drink-flying on the way home from the pub? Can't they make the slaves fly the plane as they get diggy with it over a bottle of Krug in the back seat?

CHAV N GAV STEP OUT...

2006-01-19T11:58:00.000+01:00

...'GLAD to see tubby-lovin' Gav's looking less tango'ed, but WTF are they wearing on their feet?

HOHAN FAILS TO AMUSE LETO

2006-01-19T11:35:00.000+01:00

KATE & JACK: FUCK BUDDIES

2006-01-18T22:02:00.000+01:00

KATE'S great and an inspiration to women-kind. She was all over Jack Osbourne at Teddys after the Golden Globes. All those dull vanilla 30 something Bridget Joneses out there worrying about who they should / shouldn't be married to and here's a Supermodel fucking anything that moves- fat, thin, rich, poor, male, female, young or old- Kate just doesn't care- You GO GIRL! These two should do panto together: Jack & the bean-stalk- Kate could follow him around saying: 'rub my magic bean! go on!- your stalk will grow huge'. And so on.

CAM PUTS JUSTIN OFF HIS SWING

2006-01-18T21:53:00.000+01:00

...BUT when he told her that we don't think he was talking about golf- which they are shown here doing in North Carolina yesterday.

SHE'S NOT PREGNANT ANYMORE?

2006-01-18T15:52:00.000+01:00

AND... she's suddenly the same height as Tom? What's going on TomKat? What's going on?... Here they are outside the 'Buffalo Club' in Santa Monica- which they travelled to on a motorbike - we kid you not. So to fit on the back (Tom likes people clinging onto his back) she had to take off her fake pregnancy suit.

These scientologists- they just love playing with our tiny little minds...

HOHAN'S PULLED KNOXVILLE!

2006-01-18T12:38:00.000+01:00

... Not really, although she probably has in the past. Here she is making a quick escape via the back-door (of which we're certain she is a fan of in every sense) with Cameron Diaz's ex JARED LETO at The Ivy in LA.
He's piled on weight to play Beatle-killing Mark David Chapman in the John Lennon movie. Just like Lindz, we still would though, lard and all- the extra weight sort of suits him.

Props to Just Jared for the pics

YET MORE BRANGELINA

2006-01-17T22:07:00.000+01:00

The Sun reported today that the ultrasound of the baby of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is up for bid on eBay. The three-month ultrasound image appeared on the internet auction site on Saturday and received over 50 bids, the highest at 100 pounds with seven days still left. And then it was removed not long after The Sun's article hit the wires , we're guessing. Well here's what was for sale on eBay -right.

STARS IN THEIR NATURAL HABITAT

2006-01-17T19:36:00.000+01:00

Brad was seen with Angelina Jolie, Matt Damon, Robert de Niro and other cast members for the Good Shepherd at The El Conuco restaurant in Santo Domingo having dinner last Saturday night. You see? They eat! They laugh! They gossip and tell anecdotes! And, whilst Brad & Ange aren't putting on a Tom Cruise & Katie H style show of affection, they do look very relaxed together. Like a 'normal' couple. Maybe Tom & Katie can study these photos for tips. Anyway- Hurrah! now, release the sex- tape!

CHEWED UP & SPAT OUT BY MOSS

2006-01-17T18:29:00.000+01:00

...WHY does that just sound sort of sexual when it involves Kate? Anyway, meet dippy antipodean model Jessie Parker, 24, who was dating Kate Moss's New Year shag Jamie Burke shag for two years until she learnt he'd been boffing Kate behind her back.

She's now ran off back to Sydney and is said to be hiding away, scared by the attention of the world's press. Hang about though- 'thought she's supposed to be a model?- 'Great way for her to get some publicity: do a huge splash in the News of The World, or another UK tab- telling the world of nights spent with Jamie as he dressed in nappies and covered himself in fecal matter- thus garnering two things we love here at Slag Towers - revenge and hard cash...

The young model had been living in a rented New York apartment with Burke, a 20-year-old barman, when she discovered he was cheating on her with Moss - complete with pictures of the pair splashed across the world's tabloids in early January. Boo hoo- you're 24 and he's 20 - you should both be shagging around anyway.

CLOONEY: JOY OVERSHADOWED BY LONGING...

2006-01-17T16:00:00.000+01:00

GEORGE CLOONEY is shown here at the 63rd Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton Hotel last night in Beverly Hills. He holds that award in his hand with a face that says 'I'm USED TO SOMEONE ELSE HOLDING IT FOR ME' and hands that emit lingering longing 'I miss Brad' vibes.

ADOPT ME BRANGELINA!

2006-01-16T22:34:00.000+01:00

GOT a kid who's getting on your nerves?- Give 'em to the golden couple! Or perhaps you'd like Brad and Ange Jolie- Pitt to adopt you? If so, express yourself with tote bags, bumper stickers, mens', womens' and kids' t-shirts- all available with the 'Adopt me Brangelina!' plea. 'Team Aniston' and 'Team Jolie' t-shirts are so over. Buy what Hollywood will be wearing tommorow, today here:- http://www.spreadshirt.net/shop.php?sid=84736

JUDE FLEW HOME FOUR DAYS EARLY

2006-01-16T21:41:00.000+01:00

...NOW we know why. Jesus Chroist, Sienna Miller is not a girl that can rock any ole' look successfully. Give her Sadie Frost's hair and the girl is a munter of Biblical proportions. Jude had jetted out to Louisiana, where Sienna is filming Factory Girl, to discuss their future, but flew back to the UK yesterday four days earlier than planned. We're not shocked to learn this: getting it up for that probably had Jude asking himself uncomfortable questions about his sexuality that he's faced a few too many times before in the past. But we still bet he quickly took her up the wrong 'un anyway for the sake of it before he jumped onto that flight back home.

BORED OF BRANGELINA?

2006-01-16T17:19:00.000+01:00

...THEN snap up one of these fabulous tote bags, coffee cups, mens, womens or even kids t-shirts (should they plan to visit your orphanage and you wanna stand out.) 'Team Aniston' and 'Team Jolie' t-shirts are so last year. Snap up the merch that Hollywood will be wearing tommorow- today:-

here :- http://www.spreadshirt.net/shop.php?sid=84736

SAY 'HELLO' TO BILLY JOLIE-PITT

2006-01-16T16:24:00.000+01:00

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are reportedly planning to call their unborn baby William if it's a boy, or Billy, or Bill and so on.

The couple - who are expecting their first child together in May - are said to have decided to name the tot in Pitt's family tradition.
The heartthrob actor was originally named William Bradley Pitt after his own dad.

A family friend is quoted in Britain's News of the World newspaper as saying: "Brad's parents, Bill and Jane, were worried the baby would be called something new-fangled.

"But Brad's an old-fashioned guy and wants to show his Pops how much he means to him."

Angelina - who already has two adopted children, four-year-old Maddox and ten-month-old Zahara - has already given the name her seal of approval.

The friend added: "Angelina feels that such an all-American name is a true reflection of the rainbow family from all different backgrounds that she craves."

You just know that Jolie cooked this up to kiss-up to the the pro-Aniston Pitt family, particularly poor Brad's Dad who probably already moans and calls out Angie's name in his sleep.

And, of course, it's a kind of shout-out to her ex Billy-Bob Thornton, who Ange can always pretend that he's who she really named the kid after if she ever fancies a deja-screw with the old fella.

She's a canny lass that one.

MADGE & PETE: TWINS!

2006-01-16T11:51:00.000+01:00

DOES Madge have as much trouble with her camel-toe as Celebrity Big Brother's Pete Burns does? We're certain she does. Undoubtedly she spends as much time in the bathroom every day too. Who's spent the most on placcy surgery though?

POSH RE-TELLS 'WIZARD'S SLEEVE' ANECDOTE

2006-01-16T11:21:00.000+01:00

KELLY BROOK: FUCKTASTIC!

2006-01-16T10:46:00.000+01:00

WHY didn't we get this Kelly Brook 2006 calendar in our stocking at xmas? Which we are showing you to restore the balance after a morning of crack-heads (oh and Brangelina)...

Like we need a reason for gratuitous images.

BRANGELINA DO HAITI

2006-01-16T10:31:00.000+01:00

THE public backlash is starting against Brad & Ange who, of course, are not allowed to be spectacularly beautiful do-gooding humanitarians and create an uber-race of their own [right]. Head over to Perez Hilton to read this cartoon-strip on the left documenting their trip to Haiti on Friday in words & pictures. http://www.perezhilton.com/topics/brangelina/look_whos_back_20060114.php

COURTNEY LOVE: SKANK SHOCKA!

2006-01-16T10:10:00.000+01:00

AT first we thought these had to be Shitney's hooves, but then we realised that even Spears doesn't shoot up in her tootsies. After all, we don't think Love's had much cause to wear pinchy shoes of late, so that has to be what's causing those abscesses. Noice.

SHITNEY LOSES HER RING!

2006-01-16T10:00:00.000+01:00

OUR favourite piece of trailertrash Shitney Spears was spotted (dya see what we did there?) in Malibu yesterday. And, no, it wasn't some Mischa Barton-esque style leakage she had on her face, or a Sean Preston felt-tipping incident- she went to a Hindu temple in the Malibu mountains and joined in with some celebration there. Who knew Shitney was Hindu?- Don't tell Madonna. Anyway, more interestingly, she wasn't sporting her wedding ring. She probably just left it in the jewellry cleaner- as Jess Simpson did so often at the end of last year.

WHITNEY: AVOID CAMERAS AT ALL COSTS!

2006-01-16T09:52:00.000+01:00

JESUS... we're dying to see a pic of Houston looking good sometime soon. Instead, she's unfortunately one level above Pete Doherty in our O.D. watch 2006.

JEN & ANGE: NOT PHONE PALS

2006-01-13T15:10:00.000+01:00

SO Brad didn't call before the news broke to tell Jennifer about the baby, it transpires. She found out from news reports on the telly.

“All the reports about phone calls between Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are all made-up lies,” Huvane told “Extra.” We dunno, does Jen even care anymore? Funnier and more manly Vince has to be better hung, more up for a laugh and, er, not quite so close to George Clooney as Brad is.

We've had these before and after pics of Jen and Ange sent to us of proof of the gals' nose jobs, which are, pretty commonplace these days anyway. Suppose it's like getting your teeth fixed really. It has though, drawn our attention to the 'now' pics. Both girls have great racks these days and no-one's looking at their noses (which don't look that different) - that's for sure.

Anyway, back to Jen & Vince- news has surfaced that there's pics of the pair lying in on a Sunday and smoking weed - which is what weekends were made for. More here:-http://www.jossip.com/gossip/jennifer-aniston/peter-brandt-jennifer-aniston-lied-in-and-smoked-grass-with-vince-vaughn-20060113.php

HUGH'S LOOKING GOOD...

2006-01-13T14:50:00.000+01:00

BLOIMEY, when we first saw this pic of Robert Redford on the left, we thought: "Oh look! Hugh's changed his hair!".

It's a fair indication of what the miserable old git's going to look like in a year or two, though, wethinks.

WE PRAY THIS IS TRUE...

2006-01-12T23:47:00.000+01:00

LITTLE birds are saying that our favourite pop pixie has been given the all clear!

Everything crossed it is, as we're hearing it IS 100% true.

Thank fuck.

Hurray and lots of love and best wishes for Kylie!

UPDATE: She is better & back in Melbourne- but she still needs further treatment though.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2006020108,00.html

UPDATE #2: Kylie's camp denies the whole thing. Gutted... http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2006/01/13/1137118956901.html

ANGE: IN STROP WITH WOMB-RAIDER

2006-01-12T19:49:00.000+01:00

HA HA HA there's some things that no-one tells you about being pregnant, especially that it sucks. Ange, shown here on the set of the Good Shepherd in Santo Domingo in the Dominian Republic, probably woke up this morning and found wormy stretch marks working their way across that never-again hot body and, charged with hormones, probably screamed something like: "You don't understand!!! what was so wrong with adopting? you selfish-wanting-yer-own-baby bastard, I have bunches of painful grapes hanging out of my fricken ass, I'm getting fat, I'm contracted to do a film when all I wanna do is sleep and more importantly I HATE YOU! and... I want some pickle! and, oh no, I'm gonna be...si.. si...bleurghhh!" at Brad at 4am after she'd made her 17th trip to the loo that night.

Or maybe that look on her face is her realising that philanderer Brad'll cheat on her for a younger, hotter piece of ass as soon as she's pushed his spawn out- she can almost hear him muttering: "Um, seemed like a laugh, but I'm like, totally over babies now- they cry, they stink- see ya- I'm off to drink vodka, play poker and er, let's just say - fool around with- George Clooney- the alimony's in the post! Byeeee!"

Perhaps he'll even leave her for Lindsay Lohan or Scarlett Johansen!

Here's a wicked gif http://tinyurl.com/drceh which was made exlusively for the ever-fabulous http://www.perezhilton.com

IT'S NICOLE'S WORLD & GIANTS ARE JUST LIVING IN IT

2006-01-12T15:54:00.000+01:00

WE actually really like little Nicole Richie. And it's neither big or clever to poke fun at eating disorders so we won't. But compared to the great unwashed- or 'normal' people, at a party this week, she is scarily tiny.

MOORIAH : NOT MENTAL!

2006-01-12T15:31:00.000+01:00

La La la... here is the story of Moomi ... Moomi is a little girl with the appetite of a tiny bird. One day, on the French West Indies Island of Saint Barthelemy- which Moomi calls St.Barts- Moomi drank a magic potion and stepped into the sea. And Moomi turned into... a mermaid! Yes! a mermaid. Moomi looked down and admired her magical mermaid fish tail and it's beautiful fishy scales. Moomi drank some more magic potion and danced a secret mermaids' dance that only mermaids' know. La la la...

MOHAN: SNORTY GIRLS STRIP FOR KICKS

2006-01-12T14:20:00.000+01:00

Thank the lord for Moss and Hohan. Another night, another round of vodka shots, Kamikazes, beer, multiple bathroom stall visits, pole- dancing, kissing and bumping 'n' grinding with each other.

Quite frankly, all exactly how it should be in the Ho-llywood hills...

Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss joined forces at Scores strip club early yesterday morning to put on a steamy pole-dance show for 400 slack-jawed male patrons, PAGE SIX has learned.

Lohan, Moss and a couple of female friends swanned into the Upper East Side mammary mecca at about 2:45 a.m. and headed straight for the legendary Champagne Room, where the giggly group ordered round after round of vodka shots, raspberry Kamikazes and beer.
Their table was immediately swarmed by strippers and Lohan and Moss enjoyed numerous lap dances. But the fun really started when Moss jumped on the stage nearest the main bar and began grinding against a pole, much to the delight of hundreds of red-blooded banker types.

"Kate was going wild," a witness told us. "After a few songs, Lindsay jumped on stage with her. They were swinging on the pole with their arms around each other's waists, kissing each other, caressing each other, just acting like strippers. The crowd was cheering them on the whole time. They didn't take off any clothes, but it was very hot."

Asked about the boldfaced bump-and-grind, Scores spokesman Lonnie Hanover would only say, "We don't talk about our celebrity clientele."

Luckily, we found someone who would: Celebrity photographer James Edstrom managed to catch some of the eye-popping action and followed Lohan and Moss outside when they left some time after 4 a.m.

"They were both running in and out of the ladies' room a lot," Edstrom recalled. "I saw when it was just Lindsay dancing solo and Kate was yelling, 'You're a pro, Lindsay! You should do this for a living!'

"When they left, I went outside pulled out my camera and asked Lindsay, 'May I please take your picture?' That's when her bodyguard went off. He slammed me against the wall. She jumped in her SUV and got on her cell phone. Kate was already driving away in another car, yelling 'F - - - you!' at me."

Lohan released a statement this week saying she was "appalled" by the Vanity Fair cover story in which she confessed to dabbling in drugs and battling bulimia, saying her words were "misused and misconstrued." VF stands by the story. The glam glossy also recently made Moss a cover girl after pictures of the supermodel snorting cocaine made headlines around the world.

http://www.nypost.com/gossip/pagesix/pagesix_u.htm

BETTER OUTEN THAN IN (THE CLOSET)

2006-01-12T00:49:00.000+01:00

DIRTY Denise Van Outen and David Walliams are snapped here on a break together this week in the Indian Ocean.

Are they still shagging? - WE can hear David playing a flute in answer to this question and saying "yayesssssssssssssss"

Trouble is...who cares?

MOSS 'N' LOHAN : SHARIN' IS CARING

2006-01-12T00:33:00.000+01:00

GAWKER have this lahvley little tidbit, which, as we're lazy as fuck have just dragged over here, word for word:

We hear that last night at about 11:30, none other than Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss sauntered into the Dark Room during the Tarts of Pleasure DJ set. Apparently the BFFs were looking for a venue where they wouldn’t be noticed, so Last Year’s Favorite Blow Bar seemed an appropriate choice for two “recovered” drug users. The ladies stayed there for the remainder of the night (presumably because they love hanging out with folks like Carlos D and My Chemical Romance); over the course of the evening, Lohan expressed her fondness for Gang of Four while Moss laid low and acted model-like.
Here’s where it gets more interesting: While in the bathroom, Lohan allegedly asked if anyone had a Sharpie. A fellow patron actually happened to have one and handed it over to Lohan, who then used it to scrawl “Scarlett is a cunt” on the wall. Well done, Cap’n Discreet.
The bar’s not yet open but, naturally, we’d appreciate any photo documentation of this slanderous statement against Vivien Leigh.

http://www.gawker.com/news/lindsay-lohan/kate-moss-and-lindsay-lohans-dark-room-adventure-147988.php

CHARL'S CAMEL TOE

2006-01-12T00:30:00.000+01:00

COME to think of it, that's a pretty good description for Zeta- Jones too...

UNDER ANGE'S CAPE...

2006-01-11T22:27:00.000+01:00

LORD A LORKS! so THAT'S what she's been hiding under her capes all this time.

ABC news have pics of Ange in her full un-caped glory and LOOK! she's smiling too- something else we haven't seen in months.

We're begining to think that AJ is far more gone than she's letting on and they really were waiting to drop the news on the Brad/ Jen separation anniversary...

COLD AS ICE...

2006-01-11T15:46:00.000+01:00

DID they wait to announce officially, OFFICIALLY what everyone's known for ages until the one year anniversary of Brad and Jen A's break-up? (Jan 10th 2005)

"I am pregnant" Ange told a charity worker in Santa Domingo on Monday, then gave the scoop to PEOPLE mag. Bah! why didn't they announce it through The Enquirer for a bit of a laugh?

Respec' - that'll learn Canesten for giving all those whinging interviews to Vanity Fair and Oprah last year...

http://people.aol.com/people/articles/0,19736,1145171,00.html

SIENNA WANTS TO BE KATE...

2006-01-10T20:40:00.000+01:00

BUT DOES she want to be in her?

Although we don't believe it- a report surfaced today that has Kate and Sienna down as best friends about to move in next door to each other in the Cotswolds. We think it's actually one of Jude's wet dreams and he mixed it up with the truth and retold it as fact by accident one day.

Read more here:-

http://www.entertainmentwise.com/news?id=12239

The story probably was, in fact, leaked by Sienna, who, it seems will do anything to get in the papers these days- even slice her arm pit open with a dodgy razor- Now we're sure Jude likes his chicks shaved all over, but surely not even Sienna could get such a simple request so wrong!

- http://www.entertainmentwise.com/news?id=12198 - Ew!

IN BED WITH COLIN

2006-01-10T18:51:00.000+01:00

THE Colin Farrell sex tape has finally hit t'internet! Watch Colin poking former playmate Nicole Narain- back when he was hot. Is this how he's paying for rehab? http://www.dirtycolin.com/

UPDATE: The site's down after Colin's peeps threatened to sue. After all, he's worked hard at being seen as an out-of-shape romancer to men and ladies of all shapes, ages and sizes this year. We can't see him doing Playboy playmates... that's just so old hat.

SOMEBODY CALL PETA!

2006-01-10T17:54:00.000+01:00

OR the RSPCA or whoever protects animals from cruelty in St.Barts where Mooriah went swimming with dolphins yesterday- in pink and gold stilettos. You know how little girls play 'dress up ' in their Mothers' clothes? Moo has the opposite syndrome- she's playing dress-up in some (wannabe slut) ten year olds' clothes. Someone tell her she doesn't fit into them. Please?

PETE: LOOKING LIKE SHIT NON-SHOCKER...

2006-01-10T16:44:00.000+01:00

AW look at big Pete there- passport and cash in jacket pocket as he gets a tug off the London rozzers outside the gig he played in 'Koko' last night. Doherty will appear in court tomorrow accused of possessing cocaine and heroin.
He is due to appear at Ealing Magistrates' Court in west London. Whilst on stage last night, he invited fans along to the hearing. "If Pete takes Kate up on that offer to attend rehab- he could get away without being given a custodial sentence," says Prof. Slagonian, our resident Celebrity Slag legal expert, "if not, given his record, he could well be given a couple of months in jail. In which case, and possibly more importantly to Pete at this time, he'll still be able to score crack and smack quite easily so I predict- he'll take jail over rehab. Or maybe he'll just get a fine."

Er, so now we know. Whatever, Pete- get your shit together, or start wearing make-up- you look fucked.

"Somos lesbianas españolas calientes!"

2006-01-10T15:47:00.000+01:00

OUR favourite Spanish lesbian couple Salma Hayek and Beardelope Cruz and are shown here leaving the plush 'Plaza Athenee' hotel together in Paris yesterday where they'd been promoting their latest film- which hopefully has some porny scenes involving the pair- called 'Bandidas'.

SHITNEY: IS SHE A JUNKIE?

2006-01-10T13:53:00.000+01:00

WE only ask because we have seen hookers addicted to drugs that Pete Doherty doesn't even know have been invented yet stepping out in public looking better than Shitney does here in Vegas last weekend. Yes we know she has a screaming baby that keeps her awake all night at home, oh and three month old Sean Preston to take care of too, but she also has a wedge in the bank and can afford a maternity nurse. We say she's likely got a touch of the 'Whitney Houstons' about her and that someone gave her the 'rehab' t-shirt as a hint, which poor old Shitney didn't quite pick up on...

And, we're not even gonna start on the spaniels ears, for more- if your eyes aren't too sensitive, see here:- http://www.hollywoodrag.com/index.php?/weblog/comments/britney_spears_bums_out_in_vegas/