LINDZ: SCRATCH 'N' SNIFF

AS you can tell, we're as busy as Madge's purple knickers are trying to keep her aging piss-flaps tucked in while she's attempting the splits. And so we just can't update the blog for a while.

Still, doesn't mean we don't love you- so we're going to direct you to the following top-reads:-

On Lindsay Lohan flashing her boob this week: " the Dalmatian was at the 10th annual GM Fashion Show but her bra wasn't. Just three years ago, if most guys saw this picture, the day would have ended and their penis would have grip marks on it like the handlebars on a ten year olds bike, but now she's so bony and freckled, that last picture is almost more trouble than it's worth. You try to focus on her boob but everything else is just so distracting. Like trying to bang a hooker in the car while a cop is tapping on the window with a flashlight. Dude, can you give me 5 minutes, I already paid. " Quality- http://www.wwtdd.com/

On Penelope Cruz & Salma Hayek's new film: "The only thing hotter than two hot Latin chicks with guns and sexy accents, is two hot Latin chicks with guns who have lesbian sex. At my house. I pitched a screenplay like this at Sundance one year and it was wildly successful. Except by Sundance I mean my girlfriend, and by wildly successful, I mean I slept on the couch for 2 months." http://www.fatbackandcollards.com/

On Posh Spice doing her own housework: "I'd like to know what she constitutes as housework? Because brushing your own teeth and cleaning your own butt is not really housework. In her messed up mind she probably thinks those kind of things are accomplishments if you do them yourself.She said: "The truth is I see myself like one of the characters from the series 'Desperate Housewives' - the one who has the most kids.
"All day with the kids. Up and down, trying to cook and clean."
Ok, does cooking and cleaning have a different meaning in England? Does it mean shopping and pill-popping?" http://www.dlisted.blogspot.com/

And for as many celeb photos as you'll ever need, my lovelies- check here:-

http://www.justjared.com/

And, if you really miss us- drop us an email to celebslag@gmail.com and we'll drop you a line when we're back & updating every day . Which'll be really soon- honest!

Much love,

CS xxxx

CLOONEY: TELLS KID WHERE TO SHOVE BAGUETTE

OF course as part of one of his new films. Nowt shady going on here.

HOLMES: NICE RACK

OH NO! We're perving on a pregnant woman- and not just any pregnant woman- one inseminated by the Church of Scientology...

Anyway, Katie does look good here apart from having the poison dwarf hanging off her - laughing away at a memorial service.

Tom's hair always looks he's fresh from the clasp of some man's hands being cupped around his head as he gobbles them off. Well, he is only five foot after all- while you're down there, love...

TOM & KATIE: SO IN LOVE...

EITHER she's got a nasty case of piles or the rectangular pillow she has up her top is hurting, cause Katie's smile looks mighty forced. Here they are "down under" (yes, somewhere they've never been with each other before) yesterday.

They are there to celebrate the untimely demise of Antipodean Media magnate Kerry Packer.

MADGE: DROPS OFF AT BRIT AWARDS

EITHER she's bored herself to sleep- or she's just old and taking an impromtu nap.

*Or she's on skag and has simply gouged out- Pete Doherty-style.


*It's probably not due to this.

BOLLOX: COLDPLAY HAVEN'T QUIT MUSIC

Oh nuts. Fishstick's husband will continue churning out music to top yerself to, despite what you may have read this morning. On their website they make the following hilarious statement:

Shocking news in the papers this morning. Apparently, the band are splitting up. Nobody was more shocked than the band themselves. Imagine how foolish they felt when none of them read the papers and they all came into work like normal. You'd have thought someone would have shown them the common courtesy of letting them know...


Ok then we will let them know: STOP MAKING MUSIC YOU BUNCH OF DULL FUCKS! - GO AND TEACH GEOGRAPHY OR SOMETHING MORE EXCITING THAN WHAT YOU ARE DOING NOW.

BRAD PITT: COVERED IN DOG POO

AW look at little Maddox there- he is cute as fuck. WE want one!- how much was he? Maddox rocks- he has the best accessories- Brad Pitt for one and Angelina Jolie for two. Poor ole' Brad seems to have forgotten that he is in France, which is a place primarily famous for being covered in dog poo as he gets down on his knees in the park & plays remote control cars yesterday arvo in a park near their new rented gaff in Paree. So to update our stink-watch- he's just got worse, 'still wearing the same clothes and cap- but they are now covered in dog shit. Pooh la la!

WIERDEST COUPLE EVER: OVER ALREADY?

BUT, but, BUTT- it was such a natural pairing! and didn't turn our stomachs at all!

BUTT yes, they are going their separate ways- prolly 'cause his publicist finally advised him to stop the madness!

Life & Style in the states says:

Life & Style has learned exclusively that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have agreed to call off their wedding — and, ultimately, to split.Multiple insiders confirmed the story to Life & Style, with one longtime friend of Tom’s saying: “Their relationship is basically over.” Another friend adds: “They both agreed that the marriage wouldn’t work and they wanted to end it before they learned to hate each other.”The insiders say that Tom, 43, and Katie, 27, plan to keep up the charade of a romance until after their baby’s birth this spring. In the meantime, the couple will live in his Beverly Hills home — though sleeping in separate bedrooms — through the summer. Then, presumably, they’ll announce a separation — but Tom plans to buy Katie a home nearby so he can visit his child whenever he wishes.“They’ll share custody,” says the friend, who claims the couple are drawing up a legal document to provide for Katie’s and the baby’s financial well-being for life. “Tom will set up Katie and the baby,” adds the pal.

Well, thank fuck for that. Maybe Tom'll move to Bahrain with Wacko Jacko and we'll never have to see him again!

We ripped this story straight from D listed which if you don't already you should read, cause Michael is much funnier and far less of a lazy poster than we are!

http://www.dlisted.blogspot.com/
Enjoy!

LOHAN: UP CLOSE WITH THE TOO-TIGHT PAIR OF JIMMY CHOOS

OW, knarly-cocked bigfoot, JARED LETO certainly has been doing some damage to La Lohan. We read last week how sex with him hurts & she likens it to 'squeezing into a pair of brand new too-tight Jimmy Choos'. And now these have photos surfaced of her, er, chapped lips. Use vaseline Lindsay- at both ends and mebbe a bit of KY... And, perhaps a vat of. ..Ah fack it, we're stopping here. It's just that she's wasting the Jared Leto opportunity.

FISHSTICKS PALTROW: "I WANNA SUCKLE MADGE'S DRIED-UP TEATS"

... YES it's gross and no she doesn't want to really. After all, we doubt the woman who got dumped by Brad Pitt for refusing to suck his dick would really be after hot lesbo action with anyone, but especially not with a menopausal harridan like Madge, as, we doubt even the most desperate, fat & old fully signed-up lesbian would be convinced to go there. So what was fishsticks going on about? When asked by People magazine what she thought of Madonna's assets, pregnant star Whingetrow said:

“They are fantastic, by the way.”

The boring old cow is obviously trying to be seen as, well, less boring- but getting it badly wrong.

Fishsticks has also revealed that she would lie in the missionary position silently for a minute and a half with Radiohead drummer Phil Selway- given half a chance by dullard hubby Fishstick Martin from British band- Cold Music for Suicidals. Gwyneth, who was speaking on Los Angeles radio station 103.1 – said if she ever got a “free pass” to indulge a crush, “it would be with someone like Phil Selway, my musical hero”.

She added: “I admire him so much.”

WHO?

- We aren't going to detail who we would like to see doing what to Fishsticks, but rest assured it involves car bonnets, arseholes and 'someone' ending up covered in piss.

BECKS TO POSH: "GET ON YER BIKE"

... WE don't think this is quite what he meant, though.

But here she is, looking quite good and not even that anorexic, in the Russian version of GQ. Bet she had to take her usual vile extensions - made from Russian women's actual hair that they've had to sell 'cause they're so skint - out so's not to offend their readers.

STEFANI: "WHILE YOU'RE DOWN THERE, LOVE"

SHITNEY: LOOKS LOVELY

... No really, she really looks great at the Grammys this week. The eyes pointing in slightly different directions- giving her an almost retarded look, the double chin, the un-dyed roots- what's not to like?

LOCKLEAR: EMAIL RUINED MARRIAGE

FORGET heroin kids, email really screws you up. Ask Heather Locklear one-time star of Melrose Place who, says PEOPLE mag found a dodgy email from a rank old tart to her hubby which finished her marriage to Richie Sambora once and for all.

"Locklear found the e-mail, which contained 'provocative pictures' of the female, a close friend of the pair tells PEOPLE. Though the woman had long been 'a sore subject,' says the source, Locklear never thought she and Sambora had actually been 'romantic.' Whatever conclusions Locklear has now drawn from the photos, they were, her friend believes, the deciding factor. 'She's devastated,' says the friend. 'Absolutely devastated.'

How could anyone be so fucking stupid? You'd have to have the IQ of a donkey to allow an email to fuck you up so badly that it causes your marriage to collapse. Ouch- that's gonna cost him. Delete and double delete peeps- you never know who's going to end up reading your deranged ramblings.

MENOPAUSAL MUFFIN: 'SORRY'

YES she continues to inflict her leotard-covered snatch on us- (which thankfully right is airbrushed neatly away) in her new video SORRY. In her last video she sang "time goes by so slowly" [for those who have a good cosmetic surgeon] and now in this vid- those words ring true & time really does go slowly as you just want it all to be over.

Here's the link to the vid- but if you're squeamish, basically she drives around town in a van & drags males in off the streets, waves her snatch in their faces and says: "I will not let you go until you tell me that I am still desirable and young-looking" cut to much eye-covering as she then rollerskates and breakdances and you fret that a lady of her age's osteoporosis will surely kick in at any second and her bones will splinter into a million teeny bits. (Look what happened when she was horse-riding on her birthday).

http://ocko.idnes.cz/multimedia.asp?r=oc_klipy&c=A060207_170317_oc_klipy_kot&m=v

Watch her performing with the Gorillaz at the Grammys yesterday & catch up on any other goss here:-

http://music.yahoo.com/promo-25023071#

WHO KNEW THEY KISSED?

WELL they do- in a supermarket in Paris last Sunday. We're starting a Brad stink-watch.- He has been wearing that baseball cap and the same shoes and coat for two weeks now.

MOSS IN MIAMI: DOESN'T SWEAT MUCH FOR A FAT LASS

YOU just know we're going to call her fat and grannyish when she's not airbrushed, - so you decide for yourselves...

TOM CRUISE: SENDS VALENTINE TO KATIE

Love his built-up shoes...

CZJ: TAKES CARE OF HER GRANDAD

... On holiday in St.Barts this week. How touching.

MOST BELIEVABLE MADE-UP BRANGELINA STORY OF THE WEEK

HA HA HA... Brad and Ange are hooked on crap UK soap Emmerdale. Problem is, no-one else is. And guess what? they even talk to each other in Northern British accents... 'course they do.

For more nonsense worthy of adult comic VIZ check here:- http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2006060229,00.html